The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by University physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium (AD), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic number is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called memos.
Since it has no electrons Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to one of the discoverers of the element, a very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less than a second take over 4 days.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the vice-neutrons exchange place. Some studies have indicated that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.
Administratium was discovered by accident when a researcher angrily resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all of his papers in the intake hatch of the University’s particle accelerator. “Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports, grant forms, etc. with the particles in the accelerator created the new element”
Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist, Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university campuses and in large corporation and government centers, near the best appointed and best maintained buildings.
COLD FUSION OF ADMINISTRATIUM REPORTED
Prompted by the research discovery of Administratium, furious activity in laboratories all over the world resulted quickly in the discovery of fusion of Administratium at room temperature. First to announce their results were scientists at the University of Nevada. Using highly sophisticated probability detectors, developed for use in the local industry, by Dr. May B. No and his equally likely associate Dr. May B. Yes detected a stream of memos emitted from the device mounted on a FAX machine. The details of their experiment are still fuzzy but they claim that definitely more memos came out of their device than were put in.
Their success was achieved by placing concentrated Administratium in a solution of kosher dill pickle juice. The memo insertion accelerator was a new high speed FAX of the automatic triplicate generator type.
Other scientists have not been able to reproduce the results. They criticized the discoverers for sloppy experimental methods. The Defense department Advanced Research (DARPA) has refused all comment. The reason is obvious. Use of their discovery could completely paralyze the target bureaucracy and cause their demise, including DARPA !
Recent studies seem to indicate that Administratium has a negative half-life, its amount thus tending to exponentially increase with time.